So I hate people right now. People make me want to say jerky things, make fun or just crack wise. I've recently realized that although I would never take pride in it I'm kind of an asshole. Usually I'm pretty funny and see the irony or just plain comedy in things and point it out in a way that makes people laugh, even at them selves. It's kind of like a tic or OCD, I feel like I can't help it, when someone is exposed or vulnerable I strike. Sometimes I go too far, especially when I'm out drinking and genuinely hurt someone or make them feel shitty about some part of themselves.
I've recently left Facebook, too much temptation to be a dick, I look at people's cats, children or profile picture and want to make fun of them. People don't like that. So I'm gone for a while. I genuinely want to be nicer, get my smart ass shit under control because honestly at this moment nobody would ever say "oh him? he's a really nice guy". I don't need accolades or sainthood, I'd just like to think that someone thinks I'm a good guy.
I'm a good parent, very supportive of my children, I do everything I can to build up their self esteem. Why can't I treat the adults in my life with the same care, support and kindness. Part of me thinks I should see a therapist, but what would I say? I'm an ass and I'd like to stop? I don't know if that would help at all. I think I need to discipline myself to be more thoughtful of the impact of the stupid shit I say just to get a laugh. I feel boring when I'm trying to be nice and I hate that.
For now I'm just going to lie low and work on being nice, learn when to be quiet. I think I'll still make fun of your dad jeans but probably not your weight.