Wednesday, March 20, 2013

ASSHOLE

So I hate people right now.  People make me want to say jerky things, make fun or just crack wise.  I've recently realized that although I would never take pride in it I'm kind of an asshole.  Usually I'm pretty funny and see the irony or just plain comedy in things and point it out in a way that makes people laugh, even at them selves.  It's kind of like a tic or OCD, I feel like I can't help it, when someone is exposed or vulnerable I strike.  Sometimes I go too far, especially when I'm out drinking and genuinely hurt someone or make them feel shitty about some part of themselves. 

I've recently left Facebook, too much temptation to be a dick, I look at people's cats, children or profile picture and want to make fun of them.  People don't like that.  So I'm gone for a while.  I genuinely want to be nicer, get my smart ass shit under control because honestly at this moment nobody would ever say "oh him?  he's a really nice guy".  I don't need accolades or sainthood, I'd just like to think that someone thinks I'm a good guy.

I'm a good parent, very supportive of my children, I do everything I can to build up their self esteem.  Why can't I treat the adults in my life with the same care, support and kindness.  Part of me thinks I should see a therapist, but what would I say?  I'm an ass and I'd like to stop?  I don't know if that would help at all.  I think I need to discipline myself to be more thoughtful of the impact of the stupid shit I say just to get a laugh.  I feel boring when I'm trying to be nice and I hate that.  

For now I'm just going to lie low and work on being nice, learn when to be quiet.  I think I'll still make fun of your dad jeans but probably not your weight.

3 comments:

  1. take the time you would have spent on facebook and read this book ["Loving What Is" by Byron Katie] + make "art" in any form you enjoy every single damn day. i don't pretend to know you, but know plenty of smart asses. they joke because they hurt. they hurt because they are at war with how things are *and* usually creatively frustrated. That's my 2 cents. i wish you all the best. Christy xo

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  2. 1. You need someone to design this thing. It looks like a pile of shit.

    2. I think the humor in saying really awful things is, "I CANT BELIEVE A PERSON WOULD SAY THAT". I call this "Andy Kauffman Funny" and I do it all the time. I'm OBVIOUSLY kidding, I'm saying something really awful to point out how silly it would be to say something like that. (see comment 1)

    Who knows. It's good to take time for self-reflection. Maybe just consider your audience. The internet is a weird place.

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