Saturday, February 27, 2010

My Idea of Fun

Saturday morning, coffee, New Yorker, Facebook and a gallon of white paint spilled on the kitchen floor.

One of the things I really hate about dogs is how they point out your shortcomings. Had I used a hammer to close the paint can it wouldn't have spilled when the Dogtard knocked it over. The thing is that I rarely have a hammer handy when I paint, to close the lid I use the butt of the screwdriver that I used to open it. Hammering the lid would mean walking all the way to the basement for a hammer that I will forget to put away. So my laziness is the root cause but the Pit Bull is the catalyst?

Regardless of who's to blame (the dog) my quiet kitchen morning became an instant cluster fuck. Dog knocks over can, runs away, wife goes to get coffee and POW everyone is running for towels, mop and a squeegee. I just had to look up the spelling of squeegee; who ever writes that word? It takes roughly a half hour for three people to clean up a gallon of paint, including the lifting of the fridge to get the squeegee under it.

We had a kitchen chair that needed priming so naturally I had my daughter use the remaining puddle of paint to do it. After cleaning up we let the dog out of her crate and she instantly went rubbing under the chair for the gold in the counterintuitive olympics. She's spotted now, it's the stupid dog version of the scarlet letter.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

No Pets Allowed Sign

Right? I mean it, I really don't like domestic animals. Not in some curmudgeonly way or a "look at me, I'm so edgy I hate animals" way, I simply derive no pleasure from the company of animals. I currently have two dogs and a cat living with me, I dislike all three of them. They're dumb as shit but I'm supposed to attribute a personality to them as though they're sentient beings. Seriously? They eat, crap and fuck shit up and sometimes I even get to stand in the rain watching them drop a load and THEN I get to pick it up! I get, on a regular basis, to feel warm animal crap through a plastic bag.

I don't hate animals, to the contrary I enjoy a visit to the zoo, am pleased to see a hawk or some other bird flying around in the SKY where it belongs, I just don't want them in my house. My wife loves dogs, my daughter loves her cat, my boys are completely indifferent and I'm stuck with pets. I'm stuck picking up dog shit, having my leather furniture scratched and generally afraid to have company over because I have two four legged, hyperactive mammals with A.D.D . and no concept of personal space. Not to mention that one of the two fucktards is a puppy who's too stupid to not eat glass. GLASS for Christ's fucking sake. What the hell?

They know I hate them. They show no happiness upon my arrival, sometimes they even bark. Assholes. I don't pet them or talk to them, it excites them and makes them put their moist noses and mouths on me. Pure torture. Sometimes they run away, that's always fun, driving around the neighborhood calling for a dog that I secretly wish I'll never see again. Their complete inability to speak or understand human talk pisses me off, I say "no! don't puke on the rug, do it on the hardwood!", they puke on the rug. Stupid fucking idiots. I say "I hate you and wish you would leave", they wag their stupid tails like jackasses. Not even trying.

Where many creatures have a brain, my dogs have one of those little cups on a stick that you try to land the ball on the string in. It's like when they're thinking about following a command I can visualize them trying to get the ball in the cup. Sometimes they get the ball in the cup and do what they're supposed to, most of the time they just do something retarded or worse just stand there staring at you with their 100% intelligence free eyes. Why the fuck do I have dogs!?!?!?

If you haven't stopped reading because you love "pets" or just hate the F word, I tell you this- When these miserable creatures go off to their great reward there will be NO replacements. Not even fish. I will have rugs free of dog and cat hair, a crap free yard and most importantly the freedom to do whatever the hell I want to without worrying about an animal. Top of the food chain! top of the food chain.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Let's Talk About The Mini Wave

So I love my Mini. I haven't exactly kept that a secret; I'm just not ready for the social responsibility that comes along with it.

When I bought my car I had no idea that I would be expected to wave to every other Mini owner as I pass them. It would be one thing if most drivers just didn't do it but they do. Easily 90% of the Mini drivers I pass do some variety of the wave. Most tend to stick to the two finger variation of the Cub Scout salute; some just a casual "I'm almost too cool to do this" wave without taking the hand from the steering wheel; some actually use the "hang loose" surfer wave, and once I even got the heavy metal devil horns.

Back when there were only a few Minis on the road this might have been fun, but the truth is that there are tons on road. They're everywhere. I love looking at the different models and how people customize theirs, the different color and stripe combinations. To me it's a really aesthetically pleasing vehicle. I also love driving mine; it's the most fun I've ever had driving, and I guess other Mini drivers love that aspect of the car as well.

So, aesthetic appreciation and the assumed love of driving a handley little car suggests that Mini drivers have so much in common that we should wave to each other as if we're all casual friends? Am I just a curmudgeon? Maybe, but I'm only going to wave when trapped. Once I've made eye contact or if I'm stuck across from another one at a red light, that's trapped and I'll wave then.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The British Virgin Islands

This picture is from a real estate company's web site, selling the property in the lower right hand corner, the one with the dock. I want it, maybe not in the long run, but I want it right now. If I had it right now I wouldn't be sitting in my kitchen with two feet of snow on the ground and more falling, bored out of my mind while my kids play video games. Every once and a while I get up and go outside to see if it's more fun than inside, it's not, it's a frozen hell.

I don't sail, I'm a fair to crappy swimmer, the sun makes me a little itchy and I'm not super crazy about sand, but right now I'd like to be sitting on the end of that dock, drinking a Corona and throwing projectiles (rocks, shells, ashtrays) into the water. Maybe do a little snorkeling over near that dark patch on the middle left side of the picture, looks like it might be interesting. After that I'd probably wish I had cable t.v. (not available) and read a book, by now I'm ready for a nap. You get the idea.

According to the realtors the house, "green land" and the dock are yours but the water and beach belong to the British government. At least I wouldn't have to worry about maintaining the beach.