Thursday, February 25, 2010

No Pets Allowed Sign

Right? I mean it, I really don't like domestic animals. Not in some curmudgeonly way or a "look at me, I'm so edgy I hate animals" way, I simply derive no pleasure from the company of animals. I currently have two dogs and a cat living with me, I dislike all three of them. They're dumb as shit but I'm supposed to attribute a personality to them as though they're sentient beings. Seriously? They eat, crap and fuck shit up and sometimes I even get to stand in the rain watching them drop a load and THEN I get to pick it up! I get, on a regular basis, to feel warm animal crap through a plastic bag.

I don't hate animals, to the contrary I enjoy a visit to the zoo, am pleased to see a hawk or some other bird flying around in the SKY where it belongs, I just don't want them in my house. My wife loves dogs, my daughter loves her cat, my boys are completely indifferent and I'm stuck with pets. I'm stuck picking up dog shit, having my leather furniture scratched and generally afraid to have company over because I have two four legged, hyperactive mammals with A.D.D . and no concept of personal space. Not to mention that one of the two fucktards is a puppy who's too stupid to not eat glass. GLASS for Christ's fucking sake. What the hell?

They know I hate them. They show no happiness upon my arrival, sometimes they even bark. Assholes. I don't pet them or talk to them, it excites them and makes them put their moist noses and mouths on me. Pure torture. Sometimes they run away, that's always fun, driving around the neighborhood calling for a dog that I secretly wish I'll never see again. Their complete inability to speak or understand human talk pisses me off, I say "no! don't puke on the rug, do it on the hardwood!", they puke on the rug. Stupid fucking idiots. I say "I hate you and wish you would leave", they wag their stupid tails like jackasses. Not even trying.

Where many creatures have a brain, my dogs have one of those little cups on a stick that you try to land the ball on the string in. It's like when they're thinking about following a command I can visualize them trying to get the ball in the cup. Sometimes they get the ball in the cup and do what they're supposed to, most of the time they just do something retarded or worse just stand there staring at you with their 100% intelligence free eyes. Why the fuck do I have dogs!?!?!?

If you haven't stopped reading because you love "pets" or just hate the F word, I tell you this- When these miserable creatures go off to their great reward there will be NO replacements. Not even fish. I will have rugs free of dog and cat hair, a crap free yard and most importantly the freedom to do whatever the hell I want to without worrying about an animal. Top of the food chain! top of the food chain.


  1. I hate my stupid dog too. But my kids and my wife love the thing so I'm stuck with it. If anything bad ever happened, I would immediately get accused because everyone knows how I loathe this mutt. As far as picking up's a suggestion for a blog post on honest materialism

  2. dogs are so over-rated. I only find them remotely appealing at an animal shelter.